Watch the Sky with me

I’m screwed, my mind is warped. Yeah I do need help. Extreme help.

I got home today and then my mom called me to give me a fucking lecture about lying. She was saying how I was changing and how she couldn’t believe me or understand me anymore. And what’s more, she didn’t shut up and just kept going on and on about morals.

Guess what bitch, I don’t give a frick about what you think. You’ve never done anything for me, at all. I HATE YOU. What makes you think that you have the right to lecture me on lying? What makes you think that I actually care that you can’t believe me anymore.

What’s belief based on anyway? Well, news flash. I never believed you. Ever. All the promises that you have made. They’re just bullshit.

You can bullshit all you want. You can yell at me for lying all you want. But at the end of the day, I won’t care. I won’t ever care.

All you are is a piece of trash. To me, you’re just somebody that deserves a lesson on how to treat others.

Yeah, many people say that I’m harsh. But what if you’re fucking mother cleaned out your room to search for things without even asking, what if you’re fucking mother read all your diaries, what if she stole your usb to see the things you wrote inside, what if she banned you from facebook, what if she called you fat, what if she called you worthless, what if she hit you, what if she brought out all her anger on you.

And yeah, you probably still wouldn’t understand how I feel. But guess what MOTHER, you know why I turned out fucked up? Because of how you treated me from ever since I was kid.

You wonder why I lie? Because if I didn’t I would get hit by you. You wonder why I hide so many things from you? Because I don’t want you to know anything about me. I want private space. I want to be left alone.

You know what you did when I was younger? You took pictures of me crying! You would shove them in my face and laugh at me.

I HATE YOU

I HATE YOU

I HATE YOU

I HATE YOU

I HATE YOU

I don’t want to live with you AT ALL.

A child is a reflection of their parent.

Well, I guess that you’re just as equally as fucked up too eh?

I want to destroy me house. I want to kill someone. I want to scream out in frustration.

Recently I’ve been having moments where I just want to curl up and die. In those moments I just feel incredibly sad for God knows what reason. I just want to close my eyes and sleep, I just want to close my eyes and never wake up.

Who cares if I’m no longer here?

At the middle of the year our school had the parent/teacher interviews and of course I didn’t tell my mother but she just found out and confronted me about it. She was saying how all the other parents must have went and how I have turned extremely ‘bad’. Finally she kept going like: ‘why didn’t you tell me? Why did you hide it?’ and etc.

You want to know why I didn’t tell you? It’s because I just want to live one day of my life without you grilling me on my academic performance and throwing my college options in my face. I didn’t tell you because I want my space and I want you to stay away from me.

No my mom’s going on about how she’s going to visit or call the school. See if I care. But seriously, just fuck off.

I’m going to get through life. 

I’m going to graduate with top scores.

I’m going to get my dream job. 

I’m going to find my dream husband. 

I’m going to get what I want. 

I’m going to live. 

I’m going to be determined. 

I’m going to do everything that I want to do. 

I’m going to die without any regrets. 

I

WILL

NOT

GIVE

UP

.

.

.

.

.

.

EVER 

I’ve been feeling incredibly ill these days. Bad headaches, migraines and feeling like I’m going to throw up. My body is hurting from god knows what. 

I feel horrible but at the same time, I feel like I deserved this.

These days, i’m slowly drowning myself in an endless pit of sorrow. I feel that nothing’s right and that nothing will ever become right. 

These days, i’m slowly drowning myself in an endless pit of hate. I hate everyone around me. No matter how ‘perfect’ they may be, I will always be able to find a flaw and blow it up a hundred, a million times just so I will end up disliking them. Why am I doing this? It’s not like I want to. I try to think better of people. I try to think of them as my true friends. But I can’t. I wasn’t made to be such a nice person. 

But I pretend, I pretend to listen, I pretend to care. But I don’t. I don’t give a damn. 

I’m self centered. Everything revolves around me. I know that. But I don’t want that. 

Why did I end up this way? It was how my parents raised me. I was raised to be more mature than I should be at a particular age. I learnt to be sly, I learnt how to analyse people and figure out the worst part of them. 

Why?

Why?

Why? 

Why do they always think that they are right? Because they aren’t. All they do is bullshit around everyday and think that just because they raised me that I have to listen to their every single freaking order. Like I give a damn. Like I give a damn about them. 

My mom’s the worst out of the two of them. She hates spending money on me, she’s such a tight-ass. What else? I just hate her in general. She thinks that hitting me will make me change my mind she thinks that forcing me to say sorry means that i’m actually sorry. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. NOT ABOUT YOU, NOT ABOUT ANYONE ELSE. 

To really survive in this world you can’t trust anyways. Because no one’s as nice as you think that they are. Everyone is a back stabber and if you let them in close enough, they will stab you and watch you fall. You won’t get help. 

Ever. 

I need help, i need someone to help me out of this darkness. I don’t want to hate people so easily. I want to be nicer. I want to learn to let things go. I want to accept things easily. I just don’t want to be me.